Part 4: Suicide Squad

PART 5 - Suicide Squad



Welcome back.



It's Tank Ops time.

Wait, what? How do you lose an entire squadron of dudes?





OK. Using my broad knowledge of video game cliches, there's either fuckloads of dudes there, or one super-strong ridiculous unit.



I hear you, babe. I'm on it. Don't even worry.



Here we goooo



Many people have reported their excitement at how I'll be dealing with Tank Ops. So, to those people, I hope you're ready.

Now, which is it - fuckloads of dudes, or a super-strong ridiculous unit?



Fuckloads of dudes.





Oh, AND a super-strong ridiculous unit. Of course.

I don't know it's her fault, but I'm blaming Nell. She's the patron saint of giving terrible news.



See? She's doing it right now.



I mean, that WAS going to be my plan.



uh, yeah, of course

i can strategise

i'm great at it



Not what I needed to hear, Nell. Please, for the love of God, stay.



So, yeah. Here's this asshole, and here's this asshole's range. He is not going to make the second segment of this map fun. But we're out of his range for now, so it's best that we focus our energies on the actual enemy units coming up to us.



First things first, Bill and Eric. They've been sharing that tank for days now, and Eric keeps leaving his shit in Bill's room, so they need to take out their anger on something.



This guy will do nicely.



Next, we ought to get the Gareth Group into the action.



Michael dumps Gareth on the neutral city, which we'll need to capture later.



I'm going to set up the Wilbert Warriors here, and have them fire on any enemies that advance.

See, because it's a war where enemies advance.

Advance Wars.



Our infantry just head vaguely in the direction of progress.

Steve and Barold are going south to get those cities captured.



Ah, Captain Smug, right on time.



The mightiest ground units ever are currently manning a big fuckoff set of cannons and are all called Wilbert. Actually.



As usual, Olaf's men prioritise capturing over suiciding into my tanks. The bastards.



Oh no, Michael's about to get shot!!!



The Michael Multitude's most useful feature is the one where enemies always go for him instead of actual units who do actual things.



More dudes move forward. The most crucial thing here is that the enemy artillery has moved upwards.



Steve begins capturing. Barold is... catching up.



Oh you sweet summer child



"There's only room for one grotesquely powerful machine of destruction here!" Wilbert yells in triumph.

"what about the medium tank" the enemy goon replies, gesturing at the huge series of tanks in the distance. Wilbert grins and puts on a pair of shades.

"I meant what I said. We're gonna show that tank what we can do."



Michael did his solemn duty, so we're getting him the hell out of there...



...leaving enough space for Gareth to destroy this tank.



Like so.



And now we need to get rid of the third most dangerous thing on the map (after Wilbert and the medium tank).



Whew. That thing was kind of concerning, I won't lie. But my infantry are perfectly save to move in without getting arbitrarily one-shot now.



Olaf's turn starts, and this guy does his thing. He looks way too proud of himself.



And another one.



Here's a picture of me having a heart attack.





Meanwhile, Steve and Barold do their thing. I don't know why they're the ones that always wander off to capture cities.

They are good at it, though.



I need to move Wilbert this turn. The enemies are closing in, and I need a better position to strike from.



Gareth was a little low on ammo, so I use Michael's turn to just restock him a bit.





More hot tank-on-tank action for all you pervs out there.



Barry attacks this mech. It'll damage him enough to prevent him from completely capturing the city next turn.



And this thing has obscene range, but my wall of dudes is helping out immensely.



I join Barry and Gareth. They form the Gareth/Barry Group Band.



...Ah. Right.



Everyone retreat!



OK, OK, we're all good. Jesus Christ. I need to remember not to do stupid things.



More buildings being captured. Once I've killed some of these guys, I'll do some capturing of my own.



This guy up here, though? He ain't shit.



Michael continues to prove his worth by just absolutely hard-countering this tank.



And this is the battlefield after Olaf's turn. All the big threats are gone, but I need to get total control of this central area before I move on.



A poor fool thinks he can challenge Wilbert.



The Wilbert Warriors are swift and merciless.



Squadron Steve decides to catch the fuck up.



Barold does not. He does finally finish the capture though, so he can come join in the real battle now!



Michael heads back and supplies his pals, like the good guy he is.





The Group/Band removes one of my major problems.



Bill and Eric, determined not to be outshined by the other joined unit, attack a mech.



Eh. They did OK.



Colin slowly comes back into the fray now that the big horrible tank is gone.



It is almost impressive, the extent to which these guys will prioritise capturing cities over their own actual lives.



They will come



To regret it.



This poor fool made the mistake of thinking he could go up against a group of men all called either Barry or Gareth.



...Bareth?



Fuck, I should've done that for all the joined units. That would've been hilarious.

Oh yeah, I started capturing stuff as well.



Wilbert makes his way forward. We give him a round of applause as he does, because everyone respects Wilbert.

Those who don't... don't live to talk about it.





There are so many god damn blue dudes holy shit



I load Dave into the Michael Multitude's APC.



Barold has to walk, like the slow motherfucker that he is.





Overkill? Never heard of 'er.



Captures happen!



Murders happen!



And finally, we get to the last blue guy for this part of the map.



Good riddance, you fuckin' dick.



He's a little injured, so it's going to be three turns to capture this place. Sigh.



BUT WAIT

IS IT

THE LEGENDARY 4-PERSON CASH MONEY SUPPLY DROP???



Yes. Yes it was.



Progress is made on the cities. Next goal is just to start moving everyone towards the enemy HQ. But carefully, so they don't get instantly vaporised by that rolling machine of death up there.





Anytime you like, Barry/Gareth. There's two of you, how is it taking twice as long?



Carefully. Like so.



Finally. Now catch the hell up.



yes fantastic



Why the hell are there so many cities to capture on this map? It's not like they even do anything yet besides heal us.



look at how long this is taking



we finish



capturing



all these



fuck off, Michael



godforsaken



cities





What do you mean 'the future'? I'm like four steps away from the enemy HQ, we're in the endgame, Nell.



...Uh. What.



You want me to bait him with one of my units?



Nell, that's a fucking suicide mission and you know it.



God damn. Alright, now I need to figure out the best way to do this...



It's mission 6, Nell, I've internalised the basic mechanics.



Have you ever given me good news, Nell? Like, ever, without fucking it up minutes later?



Look at this fucking asshole. God damn. That is a hell of a machine.



whoops, missed one



OK, I'll need to move Dave up. He's now within range of the enemy HQ.



Whilst Wilbert, the suicidal fucker, decides to take the fight to the tank.

"Hey, asshole! Think your machine's a death-trap? It couldn't even one-shot an injured infantry!"

"WHAT?" roars the tank commander. "I'm gonna fucking blow your face off!"

"You sound like a thirteen-year-old kid playing online shooters." smirks one of the Wilberts. "As a famous Jedi once said, don't try it."



And the enemy phase begins. Just gotta survive one turn.



Godspeed, Wilbert Warriors. It was nice knowing you.



Everyone else moves up for moral support.

why aren't support bonuses a thing in this game



"You've got this, man!" yells Dave. "I can't lose anyone else. You have to survive!"



Here's a picture of me having a second heart attack.

Holy shit, I was not expecting this clutch survival. Wilbert just outright refuses to die.



And that's a wrap.



I knew it! You knew it was a suicide mission the whole time!





oh my god guys she did it

Good news! Is it my birthday?



If you're gonna give me medium tanks, I certainly will.



I said, IF YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME MEDIUM TANKS, I CERTAINLY WILL. Learn to listen, jeez.



I can't even pin that one on my tactical ability. That was just Wilbert being a fucking wall of pain.



NELL DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING THIS TIME



Bitch, that's what you think.



So will I



Ah, being showered in praise, and no deaths to boot. Today was a good day.



That doesn't sound like medium tanks.

Next time, we take to the air, apparently.

***

The Barracks: Wilbert and Colin 1

“Oh, Wilbert, can I sit next you?”

Wilbert glares at Colin, but shrugs. “…Sure.”

“You seem to have changed a lot over the last few battles.”

“I was only whining and apologetic because I lacked my full power. I’m back in the game now - all will fall before me.”

“I see.” Colin murmurs, staring at the ground, wondering what to say. He places a hand on Wilbert’s shoulder. “Do you, um… want to try being less insane? It’s just that you’re worrying some of the newer recruits.”

“They should be worried.” Wilbert says. “At the hands of that incompetent my dude, we’re all gonna die anyway.”

“I like him.” Colin replies. “I mean, I’ve been looking after the new recruits as best I can, but you must admit, my dude is a benevolent leader.”

“I heard he let a mech team get massacred by tanks for no reason.” Wilbert mutters.

“Answer me this, Wilbert: when was the last time a CO actually asked for your name and remembered it?”

Wilbert is silent for a few moments, and Colin gives a cheery smile.

“He’s not the best CO tactically, but my dude certainly cares for us. He wasn’t the one who ordered you to face off against that medium tank today.”

“…” Wilbert says.

Colin looks at him again. “I’m worried about you. There’s a lot of men who want to go home after this war. But you… you seem to relish the chance of death. Please talk to me sometime, alright?”

Wilbert says nothing, and Colin stands up and begins to walk away. He hears a quiet mutter as he begins to leave.

“…Alright."